- Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally: “we were in a vulnerable position”.
- (of a partnership) Liable to higher penalties, either by convention or through having won one game toward a rubber.
I saw a wounded deer crossing the street this morning. It was limping across someone’s front yard. It was moving very slowly and hyper aware of its surroundings. It made me very sad. I could empathize with that deer.
I’m vulnerable. I’ve been hit by a metaphorical car over the past few years and it has wreaked havoc on my life. It has left me limping across the months and years. Much like that deer I was trudging along, in pain, looking for home. Completely alone.
There are days when I wake up and feel as if its all ok. I feel that the day will be amazing and that I will be able to forget the past, and then something triggers a memory. The memory is almost debilitating. I freeze and swallow back the tears. I get angry that I can’t let go. I turn around and walk away and hope that the next time it will be easier.
It’s not though. Yes, I’ve gone to therapy. I still do. I wake up with a positive attitude and tell myself that I can forget the past and move forward. Some days it works. Other days I’m just a bucket of anger and resentment, with word daggers at the ready.
I just want to run from the reminders. Take all of the memories and hide them in a place where I can never find them. I want to rebuild my fragile emotions and start fresh.
Most of all though, I wish that that metaphorical car never came along. I wish that I didn’t have to learn this lesson. I wish I could just stop beating myself up, day after day.
Some days it just seems that to look forward, I have to change everything. Today is not that day. Tomorrow…maybe.